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Sad to Go Back~

From the day I born,
and they time we have spent,
Still i remember...
But u leave me here, Just like that,
Without saying anything...
Even the tears come from my eyes...
Still i miss u so much..!!

- Maa, u just left us; me here without think even once what will happen to us; me if u go.-
Short holiday, yet thinking how am I going to past these holidays without u. the time we use to spend together during my holidays, still i remember...u never let me go anywhere without u and love to drag me wherever u go..who will do all my shopping now?!! who will cover up for me??!! who will pamper me??!!

I still cant forget the last word u talked to me.

"Hapie Bday maa" i said.

U just replied "thank u daa" jokes, no gossips as usual...
I still cant figure out why i always been the less lucky to be with u although im ur dearest 1 compare to others...:(

Idiots!!! they must be the dumbest creatures in this world who can talk like other better work to do i guess..I wish i can see their faces.

KaRma ~

We always tend to do things without thinking of the reaction; be it immediate reaction or long term; or be it good or bad. Our every action / work called as "KARMA" in sanskrit (for hindu); For every 'action' that i do, there is a 'reaction'. Its totally different than other religion may be. Karma can also refers as the 'work' we have ahead of us, which includes lessons from both our past and present lives. Meaning, if everyone aware of the circles of birth and death, our karma always connected with our actions from past and present with its reaction.

I'm sure everyone heard of people saying, 'what la i did in my past life until suffering like this'...:p (^_^) some without knowing about karma, says it. that means we aware of our actions control our life...:) This is called as Law of karma.

God as the Provider, provides us with everything. Yet, He doesn't control us. We want (lust), we work for it (action), we get what we want (reaction). So, we have to accept whatever reaction that we get whether its good or bad. We never will complain if its good; but if something bad happens means, we blame GOD. Not appropriate is it? we should be responsible for our own action indeed.

Not all good action have immediate reward and not all bad things happen to you meaning you have bad karma. Sometimes, bad things happens for a good reason.

Example 1: A businessman-very hardworking, ambitious, wildly successful. Never even had time for himself. one day, he had an accident and ended up in hospital.

-He cant say its due to his bad karma. May be this accident might teach him the value of life and slow down a bit his life to actually feel it, enjoy it-

how about changing our karma?!! "can is it?"....of course can. Our soul is on an journey always. Karma can show us where we've been and where we might go to learn we've chosen for this lifetime. confused?? huhu. May be we feel like our life is full of miserable. That could be due to our actions in the past. May now we can choose a good path to change it. We can adjust our actions to either changes in ongoing work or gain new perspective on our past action so that we can avoid making the same mistake twice...:)


one can be free from this Law Of Karma!!!!! When we started get bored of this material world, when we understands the purpose of this life, when we knows that we are the 'soul' not the body...when he inquires "who am I? Why am I here? Whats going on? and what is my part?"

when we understand the ultimate truth that our every action is for GOD. Whatever we does is because of Him. And always put Him before for every action, then we are free from this Law...:)

He says:

"do your part and offer the reaction to me"

Example: - If a worker works all the day.Then when get the salary, he buys flowers or do donation, etc. In that way, he doesn't owns the reaction of his action.-

The End...hehe..(^_^)v-peace

~ Be With Me Always ~

Every single person needs a reason to change; may it be into good or bad. A strong reason which make them to see the reality. I also had that so called ‘reason’ lately to change back to the person I was before come to Indonesia.

I used to a preserved type, so pious (until after form 5 I even plan to devote myself to GOD) and very strict in following the principles that being thought to me since I was a kid. My father is a strict person, who doesn’t even let us wear ¾ pants out of the house; can’t cut the hair shorter, can’t go out after 8pm, any function must wear traditional dress, never went out partying with friends, etc.

But coming out here and mix with all kind of peoples changed me a lot. I myself realized that changes. Started wearing sleeveless, break some of the rules, wear shorts and walk around in jatinangor and mix around openly to all my friends; either it’s a guy or girl. Tried to be ‘social’ and modern. It was so fast that I didn't realize of it. Yet, I got bored of that life so fast also.... Huhuhu

However the ‘reason’ which made me to realize about it came in a way that I didn’t expect. A friendship with someone kind of realized me and stopped me being in the stupid ‘darkness’ plus reminded me those things forget which I was practicing all the while . That person didn’t in person made the changes but then being around, getting know that person and being a friend of him gave a chance for me realize so many things which were wrong all the time; here in jatinangor I mean.. (^_^)

My spiritual life was kinda down since I came to Indonesia. Well environment always influences our thought and there wasn’t had a single person to remind or warn me. So all I had was influences from people around me which made me to forget the principles I used to follow. But.... But, by reading that person’s writings somehow made me feel guilty. I tried to change back to old me again; were cursing myself for being so ‘alpa’ in this material world and controlled by ‘maya’.

Not only that, I found good friendships also. My life started to be better and always surrounded by nice friends; friends who respect not only me but also the principles I follow, accept me without expecting any changes from me to fit myself with them. Example:

My friends who used to be,

“Never mind papa, eat onion 1 day will cause you nothing. Just ‘tutup satu mata’ and eat la”

Those friends I made after that,

“Wait ah siva, I read first the ingredients. Oh, this 1 you can eat...oh this 1 you can’t eat”

I’m not telling those friends I knew eelier are not good. It just that they are not very religious so doesn’t really understand me. However those friends I treasured now are those who understand me well enough although they are not same as me (religion wise). Just because the way we see this life is same, it brought us closer enough compare to any other friends before. They were the always there in my good and also bad time. The best part is they share their religion to me without any expectation.

Mentally Prepared ~

i think im mentally prepared to accept whatever awaiting for me on 7th august. I just got 3 department papers to go out of 46 departments, but now i feel like i chose the wrong papers for 1 of the departments. Nothing can be change now.

worse come worse ill join the February batch. But it doesn't means I'm a dumb or what. People who cheated all the from 1st year until now can get though means,its the sign that luck play bigger part compare to hardworking. And also if they enter Koas now it doesn't means they gonna finished it on time. So its just a matter of time.

There must a good reason why GOD doing this to me. May be i will have ample time to prepare myself to enter practical. May be i can spend some time with my family since house condition not stable yet.

However, i must be mentally prepared to face it in two weeks....

~ MR or MRS right ~

Why everyone thinks that the person to whom we get married can be not our mr/mrs right??!!

Few days back I was chit chat with my friends...One of my friends said,

" Kan waktu 1st year ustad ade cakap yang, kalau kita khawin nanti tak semestinya orang tu jodoh kita"

Spontaneously, another friend and i said,

"Kenape u pon fikir macam tu, kenape kita x jadikan orang tu sebagai jodoh kita?"

then she said,

"takkan orang yang kite khawin tu jadikan mr right la? belum kenal...bla bla bla"

Not only her, but most of the people think the same nowadays. If can cop up together, divorce. As simple as that...?!! why cant they think about it properly before they committed to a person??!!!

See few times, chat couple of hours, then like each other ready means 'lets get married'..please la..!!! We can take our time to get to each other and then only committed to each it more rational and at the same time can be sure of the the person whether he / she is our mr / mrs right...(^_^)

Dont tell, if that person is bad or something then have to divorce... that's the reason we must get to know each other well before. not to say, after marriage cant get to know but just saying that it's better this way..Can avoid so many things...true or not??!!

Last time where got people fall in love and all. Mostly arranged marriage.Yet, they can take that person as a life partner and also mr / mrs right...e.g. our parents.
My mom and dad lived together and my mom always tried to be the mrs right for my dad.I always wanted to be like that.

Law or religion shouldnt be a reason for everyone to have trial on mr / mrs right like changing clothes...:p

p/s : just my opinion...:p

LucK Isn'T EveryThinG~

yesterday when i was waiting for 'Judicium' at outside of A5, one of my friend told me 'Luck is not everything siv' after seeing me so worried. And she said we will deserve what we worked for. that's how she consulted me...

Doctor Yuni, my dosen wali, after enter the room, she started giving our results. My heart feel like stopping after seeing OSCE (V & VI) is B. 'Shit, i cnt graduate this august then'. After that, i cant be bother already about my department papers. I was controlling myself from dropping my tears in front of my doc & friends. Right after consult what subject to take and all, i just ran into the washroom and dial my dad's num.

"pa, i dont think so i cant graduate this august" and started crying.

It was a big shock for him too, i knew. But he was trying to consult me by telling may its for a good reason. And he totally didnt blame me because the OSCE was 1 week right after my mum's....Yet, i couldnt consult myself. I told him,

"no pa, i never failed this exam before. i just cant accept it. plus
i duwan u to pay extra 1 sem money just because of this"

however he succeed to control me. Then i told him bout the department papers. And i said i want to come home after the papers. He also agreed.

I went back to the room again. My doc was waiting for me. she asked me to sit beside her and wait for her to settle everyone's first. I was crying all the while. Just cant stop cursing on my faith. After settle down everyone's result, she came to me. trying to consult me. She adviced me not give up and bla bla bla...

she even said,

"shiva, i also had to extend last time for 9 months just because of 1 sks. But now see me, how am i. I tried to learn more then i entered koas and graduate before everyone also. And its just matter of time. dont worry, this might help you to become even a better doctor compare to all your friends"

Yet, i still cant digest it. I was asking Him, why me?!! why he gave me so much of tests in this year. since starting of this year until now, why its like never ending only?!! whats was my mistake until i have to go thru this tough test??!! and i felt like my eyes already dried out of tears since it never stop tearing since last month....

I came back to my friends house cause cant stand there any longer. My friend tried put me to sleep. Suddenly at 2 pm i woke up and asked my friend whether she can accompany me to FK or not. i wanted to check my result in evaluation team, to clarify which station i failed. cause i wasnt satisfied with it. We went back to campus again.

I asked the stuff who incharge of this,

"pak, saya mau check saya gagal station apa hari tu?"

he asked for my transcript. He returned after few minutes and told,

"GUS HT and PE, tapi ini sudah salah neng, kemarin hasil station ini lupa dimasukin. kamu sebenarnya luluus ko. jgn risau, ntar di judcium 2 diperbaiki ya"

I didnt bother that the pak in front of me. i started crying because was so happy.
4 hours of crying, thought my bad luck never gona stop, was answered within few hours. If i didnt had the confident that i wouldnt fail and didnt go and check again means, i might already give up.

THANK GOD, really.

I came back and told my friend who told me about luck thingy the whole story. And she said,

"see siv, i told you,its not the luck.its faith.And dont worry you do just fine with the 3 more papers."

1) if you think that there is something wrong, dont hesitate to go and find out.

2) Never trust anyone else and you have faith on yourself.

Thank you tasha for always being there for me and for never letting me alone whenever i was sad. you are really a good friend to me...:)

Thanks to ulaga and vintha also for holding my back whenever i face problems. I duno what i would have do without both of you..:)

Pray for me to get thru these 3 department papers...:)